I am a first born. I place unwanted, unnecessary expectations on my shoulders.

I am a Melancholy – Phlegmatic. I am detailed and task oriented, but I can easily fall into a depressive state.

I am a Type 1 enneagram with a 2 wing. I am always assessing the world around me (and my inner world) looking for ways to improve. My inner critic is incessant and never runs out of breath. I strive to love others well, hoping in return they will love me too.

“When my mind says I’m not good enough, God, you’re enough for me. I’ve decided I’m not giving up, you won’t give up on me.”

“Echo” by Elevation Worship

There have been many times within this walk where God has brought up Colossians 3:1-4 to me. I could only guess that he would because HE knew I would struggle with it for the rest of my life. Not because he is cruel, but rather, he knows every hair on my head, knows where I stumble (over and over), knows where I need see his love for me most.

Yesterday, I went to church, listened to the sermon, sat in Sunday School and cried. There was a wave I just couldn’t shake. I would like to think of myself as a “put together” person, but yesterday I was not. I had to leave church earlier than planned due to overwhelming sadness and resentment. When I got home, my husband went on a walk with me. He patiently listened to me cry and get frustrated over the lack of grace I have for myself.

Grace for myself? What the crap is that about? In my mind, that makes no sense to me! I don’t need that, I need grace for others. I need to forgive OTHERS, not me. I just need to be fixed, that’s all.

“When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” Colossians 3:4 ESV

It says “When” Christ who “is” your life appears. When, is future tense. Is, is present tense. Christ is your life, and when he comes, you’ll be there too. Not because you are glorious on your own, but because he is. His life, his perfection is what defines you. Not what you do.

But if I claim Christ is my life, when I neglect to show myself grace, what am I saying? I am essentially saying that Christ’s work in me is not enough. That I have to put forth effort in the perfection department. NEWSFLASH: this world is BROKEN. We are in a state of groaning until Christ comes to redeem us. (Romans 8:20-23). Any attempt of “perfecting” on my part is futile and pointless because I am also in a state of groaning, my effort is marred. I need a perfect, perfecter who can grant his perfection to me. Not because I deserve it, but out of his LOVE for me grants it. (Basically all of Romans 8).

“For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope. that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. ” Romans 8:20-23 ESV

In ever so “perfect” timing, I listened to truth my husband shared with me so sweetly. Then I decided to go through a marriage course put on by yourenneagramcoach.com . I listened to the video, that said *almost* verbatim what my husband told me (literally an hour later). I am motivated by being right and good. I would rather not show too much emotion to risk being looked at as inappropriate. I long for being told that I am good. But that means I can also never give myself slack, and allow Christ to be good on my behalf. Twisted, right? Christ is the perfect, perfecter. He’s already done it all. His sacrifice is complete, not lacking in anything, it’s perfect whole and good. He loved me! Clothing me in his righteousness, trading my groaning for glory. When Christ is your life appears…

What does that mean for me? It means, as a first born the truth I see is that my Savior took all the expectations of heaven on his shoulders. He made a way for me to be adopted into God’s family. As a melancholy- phlegmatic I see clearly that Christ accomplished all the Father asked of him. He was compassionate, and cared for his sheep. He didn’t run at the first sight of a tear. He himself cried, when in Gethsemane. As a type 1 his perfection ministers to me, even more that his perfection that HE gives me (and makes in me) lets me off the hook. Knowing that I am off the hook in his eyes, and therefore can be off the hook in mine. Silencing my inner critic for the Holy Spirit, who speaks life, and not death.

Lord, Help me to see you. Your goodness and perfection, you gave. Thank you for the grace that you show me, and help me to show it to myself. Thank you for reaching and exceeding the righteous requirement, so that I don’t need to. You are creating in me something new and good, let me not step in the way of that. Thank you for not running out on me. Amen.